A very attractive female friend of mine got married about a month ago and I just found out today. I’d be mad at her husband, but he’s a really nice guy. Worse was I found out that the flirty waitress has a boyfriend. That was no real surprise, but when I found out his “occupation,” I actually got fairly depressed. I’m still not feeling right. I have no idea who this woman is, and even though no one’s flirted with me for years — aside from a 50-year-old lesbian and the older men at the gym — there’s no reason that she should have this effect on me.

I think it’s because of the guy she’s going out with. Worse than a doctor, worse than a Republican, worse than a professional athlete — OK, not worse than a professional athlete — she’s going out with a medical student. It just reminded me of how far I’ve progressed since I applied to medical school in the late 90’s. I’m 40 years old, no one will go out with me, I’m living at home with my parents, I have a chronic illness, I’m making less money than my 20-year-old high-school dropout co-worker, and the only thing I had to look forward to lately was a week of Crest Whitestrips.

Really, I can keep a handle on this by just not trying for anything. I’ve had enough rejection and failure. I mean who gets a rejection letter from the University of Washington Medical School telling them:

Although you did not indicate an interest in this program we feel it is only fair to notify you as soon as possible that your record unfortunately also falls below the level of those being seriously considered for the Medical Scientist Training Program.

Or a job rejection letter from HP that says:

The team acknowledged your communication skills and saw signs of creativity but felt that your VLSI engineering skills were just too rusty and dated. They were looking for a little better preparation in this area – especially for someone who had prior engineering experience. One other thing that caught people’s attention. You’re [sic] resume listed C as a programming language you had experience with but during the interview you were unable to demonstrate it. It probably would have been best to leave it off your resume entirely.

I’ve tried antidepressants before, mostly at the urging of an ex-girlfriend. She also found out that the side-effects bothered her and so she dumped me. At about the same time, I called a professor a “dick” (because he was being a dick) and he tried to have me thrown out of Portland State University. And I’ve never been as depressed as when I tried Effexor. The antidepressants really didn’t improve my situation.

For the most part, nobody cares about my life and so it doesn’t affect anyone. Unfortunately, sometimes I care.

OK, I think I feel better already. Nothing’s better, I just don’t feel so bad.