It’s about the time for my yearly Big Mac and I’m dead tired and I wasn’t having the best of days (even though it wasn’t all that awful, either) so I gave into my craving. Besides, I’ve found that if I was to go to a fancy restaurant to get a higher-class of hamburger (and there are some tasty ones in Portland) not only would I be consuming more calories, I’d probably also be sitting next to ANOTHER FIRST DATE and I did that once this week already. I’m skipping the fancy for now.

But I just ate TWO Big Macs. I did a few calculations and a Big Mac lists at 540 calories (all of it from fat and salt and miscellaneous carcinogens, I’m sure) and a large fry list 500 calories PLUS 15 calories per ketchup packet (and I’m guessing I’d use about four). So two Big Macs are better, calorically, than a Big Mac and fries anyway, and I get that extra roughage from the iceberg lettuce on the burger.

None of this takes into account that I usually only get one Big Mac, no fries, no drink, and no dessert. But a Big Mac is $3.98 and TWO Big Macs are $4.00. You know what that means, Ronald McDonald is telling me, “GET TWO, IT’S CHEAPER, AND YOU CAN SHARE IT WITH YOUR SPECIAL SOMEONE. NO SPECIAL SOMEONE, HUH? WELL SHARE IT WITH YOUR FRIEND. NO FRIEND, HUH? YOU MUST REALLY SUCK!”

Well f*ck you Ronald, Imma buy TWO FOR MYSELF and ENJOY THE HELL OUT OF THEM ALONE. (Otherwise I’d probably just feel sorry for myself and buy a McFlurry, and those are 640 calories.)

Bastards.