So I’ve had this weird thing on my face (it’s not just the rest of my face) that I wanted the doctor to look at.

It’s not easy to see in the picture, but it’s a weird thing that was kind of freaking me out. So what did he do when I got there? He stuck his finger up my ass.

OK, so I’m leaving out the part where he looked at it and said, “something something” not skin cancer “something something” and then reminded me that I need a prostate exam because my dad had prostate cancer. Not what I was expecting, but better safe than sorry, I figure. I also asked about my calf cramps and he said, “You think it might be because you’re 46 and jumping around a lot at the gym?” It sucks being old.