I actually did ask someone out and she didn’t tell me to get bent. But then she never did return any messages sent on the intarweb and didn’t say anything when I saw her next, so this is probably the nicest brush-off I’ve received. I usually get very blunt reasons why I’m undateable and I don’t need to hear about my failings. They’re clear enough to me, thank you.

There are two reasons I’m giving up on online dating. Or three. Start counting, since I’m not good at it. First is that I’m reducing my disappointments by just not trying. If you don’t try, you don’t fail. Besides, I’m trying for the old baseball analogy of three strikes and you’re out this year and I’ve had my strike for the first third of the year.

Second is that friends are treating me like dogmeat, so why should I let strangers do the same? I mean if someone sends you a text message asking you out to dinner, and when you see them at the gym an hour later they immediately say, “As soon as I sent you that text, I realized my stomach didn’t feel so good, I don’t think I want to go tonight,” and then they go out to sushi with their real friends and post that to Facebook, I have a right to feel a little like a chump, right?

Third (aha, I knew there was more than two) is that I reactivated an account on Match.com and they’re sending me pictures of women who match me somehow. They are all large and in charge. I mean, really, I figure Match wants my money and they’re sending me the best of the bunch and the people on Match are posting their best pictures to try to get dates. I hate to be such a superficial SOB but holy hell I wonder if I’m just seeing the casting call pictures for a remake of Le Bossu de Notre Dame. Or maybe I’m just getting pictures from a mug shot database. I know I’m being picky, but if I’m going die alone anyway, it doesn’t matter a goddamn bit, does it?

So there you have it. The dating pool for a guy like me is pretty frigging small and shallow, more like a puddle, and I think the puddle is completely drying up. It’s just as well, my imagination for is flagging. I mean, I just got a bonus and some money back from my Costco credit card and the only thing I’m thinking of spending money on is a Roth IRA and I’m not even sure I’m going to live long enough to see any of it. Maybe I’ll buy some Hummel figurines and some Ed Hardy shirts.