Today I got dumped via email. It’s a first for me. To be honest, we only went on two dates but that’s the first second date I’ve had in, lessee – (2007 – 2001) – SIX YEARS. In fact, last year was the first first date I had in FIVE YEARS. Also, I’ve been using online dating sites for over TEN YEARS and she was the first one I ever met. I suppose I must have liked her because I’m kind of depressed.IT DOES NOT HELP TO BE TOLD, “DON’T BE DEPRESSED.”This is part one of how my sister sucks. You know it doesn’t help to be told this kind of crap, but she tells me this kind of crap all the time. I mean, really, my job really, really sucks and she just says, “TAKE IT LIKE A MAN,” or something similar. The only things I have to look forward to are golf and maybe going to the gym and she says, “BE CAREFUL ABOUT YOUR BACK.” Great. I’ll just sit at home, quietly, and do nothing. Actually, sitting still too long makes my back hurt sometimes, as does standing still too long, and lying in bed in the wrong way. I’ll just lie in a fetal position. How’s that sound to you, huh, sis?I REALLY DON’T KNOW WHY YOU NEVER WANT TO SEE ME AGAIN.This isn’t so much about my sister. I know I’m undateable and I can tell you a dozen reasons why no one would want to go out with me. I DO NOT NEED TO KNOW ANY OTHER REASONS THAT YOU’VE COME UP WITH. I got dumped via email today. I’ve been dumped at restaurants. I’ve been dumped by not having my calls or emails returned. I’ve been dumped via long distance phone calls. I’ve even been dumped in bed. But this is the first time I’ve been dumped via the intarweb. And to top that off, she said, “You’re cute and you’re funny, but you seem really young.” In other words, “YOU’RE AN IMMATURE LITTLE F*CK.” Fine. I’m sorry I was so horrible that hanging out with me for three or five hours was such a torture that I had to be insulted.MY SISTER IS UNRELIABLE AND NOT TO BE TRUSTED.Back to my sister. One of the BIG reasons I’m undateable is because I live with my parents. My dad needed someone around (just like my sister’s goofy dog that she sticks me with from time to time) and here I am. Now that he’s gone, I had a fantasy of moving out of the area but my mom said, “You move to California and I’m moving with you. How am I going to take care of the house on my own? I can’t even mow the lawn.” Great. I told my sister but she said, with a straight face, “I’ll help take care of the house.” This is the same sister who my mom asks me about regularly, “Hey, have you talked to her? I haven’t heard from her in days.” This is the same sister who has an online fabric business that takes up all her free time and then some. This is the same sister who sticks me with her dog when she wants to go out to dinner. What’s she going to do, fly the dog to wherever I am?Ah, well. I suck here, and I’d suck in California too. I doubt I’m moving. We live the life that we’re given.

I got a call from the Portland City Grill today asking me to confirm my reservation for five. I asked if they had the right number. Not only did they read off my phone number, but they also had my name on the reservation. I knew it couldn’t have been my sister, because she’s at the beach, and my mom wouldn’t do anything like that. I figure it was probably an impractical joke. If the restaurant hadn’t called me, it wouldn’t have affected me at all. As it was, it just confused me a little.

My buddy Greg decided it’s more fun to try to make up a story about it. He thinks some was trying to frame me for murder. Or someone is going to assassinate me and needed me in a particular place at a particular time.

I thought about showing up just to see if anyone else would be there. I watched, The Departed

, instead. Boy, that turned out to be a rip-off of a Hong Kong movie. It was a well-done remake, but it was still a remake with many identical visual scenes.