Most everyone who deals with Key Bank (or has dealt with Key Bank) told me, “Well, duh. Everyone knows they suck ass.” What they do well is to charge my poor mother fees for every little thing she does. She transferred a bunch of money into a Key Bank investment from a Key Bank CD and it just meant a free-for-all on extra added charges. So, usually, we go into the local branch and talk to the local manager. Every stinking month they’d charge her $12 and she’d have it credited back.

But guess what? The branch manager transferred. So I go in there and this new guy is giving me the hard line on the apparently non-refundable $25 fee on all IRAs under $1000. “Call the number on the statement,” he says. I tell him what we usually do and am about to tell him how much I love the voice maze on the phone line. He holds the thing behind his back and says, “I can’t do that.” I ask why. He tells me, “It’s not even your account.”

His demeanor and his lack of helpfulness made me want to call him a runty little pile of crap, but instead I said, “Call the police. If you think I stole this account information, call the police. I’ll wait for them.” He refused so I asked for something more reasonable, the number for the old branch manager and his name. Hector Martinez. I was expecting something else, something more Middle Eastern, but what do I know?

Later, I spent a half-an-hour in voice maze hell and had my questions answered. The general answer that Key Bank gave me is: withdraw all your money and put it somewhere else. The penalties for closing out a less-than-$1000 IRA are less than the $25 yearly fee and there’s no reason to keep a small checking account at such an annoying bank.